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Question: What do i need to know before starting therapy?

(Posted by: cailsssssssso on 2010-07-28 00:58:17)

My Situation: I'm 17 years old and I've struggled with issues with my mom and our relationship since I was about 13. Only recently (within the past 6 months) have I found myself spending most of my time thinking and talking about how much I despise her. After being screamed at for forgetting to put my dishes away, I just couldn't keep myself from crying anymore. I'm screamed at so much by her that I've always been used to it. For you to get a feel of my mother, my dad, friends, friends parents, boyfriend, boyfriends parents, brother, and foreign exchange student all feel bad for me. Before, I didn't care when she screamed; I even learned to tune her out because I have such little respect for her. I've tried to tell her how I feel, but she only cries and guilts me into feeling like the bad guy. It's almost as if 90 % of me thinks she is so psycho and hurtful and that other 10 % is the doubt she's placed in me that maybe I am a bad child a lot and most of our issues may be my fault. After finally cracking with her and while trying to hold back tears, I texted her (because she had just left the house after a big fight about how I'm a disrespectful ***** in front of my boyfriend) saying that I want to see a therapist and she said fine and that we'll talk about it later. What I want to know: Is this a valid reason to go to therapy? That I hate my mom? I wanted to go to a session alone, maybe, at first and then go with my mom. Is that a good idea? I feel as if she needs the therapy more than I do to really help the situation... Should I be honest with my mom about the reasons I want to see a therapist? If so, how should I tell her without killing her inside. I do feel love for her because she is my mom, but I do also despise her. If I shouldn't initially tell her the complete truth, what could I maybe say to get around telling her the whole truth? What should I do before I go to my first session (alone) to prepare? I thought it would be a good idea for me to take notes to bring with, simply because I'm so overwhelmed by how many things I can bring up about my mom that it's very difficult for me to gather my thoughts. Should I do this and bring it along to therapy? Another thing about my mom is that she doesn't contribute to the household. Everything done in the house is divided to me, my older brother, and my dad. My boyfriend proposed the idea of making a chart of the family members and how each contributes to the household. Is this a good idea? If I made the chart from my own perspective, her column would be blank. When my brother would challenge her by saying she doesn't do anything she would say that she watches us (works at home), makes dinner, does a lot of laundry, cleans the kitchen, and that's about it. Now, she can't say any of these. We don't need watching anymore (17 and 19). We don't have family dinners, and on the rare, once a week occasion that we do, its someone else cooking the food. She also leaves her dish for us to put away after, along with all of the rest of the dishes. Everyone in the household now does their own laundry so she can't use that. And finally, everyone keeps the kitchen straightened. By putting their folded laundry away, taking out recycling, etc. The longest it takes me to clean the kitchen is five minutes, so when she does it occasionally, it takes no significant time. Should I let her fill out her chart from her own perspective? Should I nix the idea altogether? And again, would this be okay to bring with? What do I say to the therapist upon scheduling an appointment? How do sessions generally go? How will he/ she initiate the conversation? Any feedback at all is greatly appreciated. Sorry if I ranted more than I should have.

Posted by: § Music Addict ♥♪♫ on 2010-07-28, 01:13:36

First of all, you should not be worried about whether this is a "valid " reason to go into therapy. If you feel your mental state is at risk, that is what therapy is there for. Living in a situation like this would make therapy a likely decision. Many of your questions are ones that are hard to answer, because we don't know your situation well enough to pass an opinion. So my other answers are just based on the information given, but in the end your choice should be based on what you feel is right. I would want to be honest with my mom in a situation like this, if I were you. She is the reason you are seeking therapy. If she is made aware of the way she makes you feel, it may be her first step toward becoming a better mother. I think if you tell her, try not to hurt her too badly and break it to her slowly. She is still your mother. Let her know that the way she communicates with you hurts your feeligns and makes you feel the way that she does, and maybe she should consider getting help and joining you in therapy. For the first session, just try to have your thoughts gathered. As to what you shuold expect, every therapist does things different. There is no way to predict how they may deal with it. Most make it easy to talk, and have a way of directing the conversation to make sure you keep talking. Just be honest and answer everything as best as you can. And the sessions go differently depending on the person. When I am speaking to a therapist, I tend to cry a lot and explore my past a lot because it is where all of my problems began. The chart could be a good idea, but I'm not too sure. It could go bad or good to have a chart like this but I think it would lead to argument. If you do end up in a group therapy session with your mother, I think the therapist may have some ideas as to where you should be going with it so the chart may not be necessary. I hope I helped a little. Therapy is nothing to be worried about, they are trained to help you. Feel free to e-mail me if you need to. :) All of what I wrote is just opinions based on experience, so don't hold too much upon it.

Posted by: cc on 2010-07-28, 01:06:04

Do the chart (let her fill in her column from her perspective and then you and the rest of the family discuss it with her), take notes to the therapist, talk with other family members about how disruptive your Mother is. Sounds like she has some real issues that need to be confronted. Why is your dad allowing this? Why are any of you? The therapist might have some ideas. Go see him/ her.

Posted by: Stephani Calabrese on 2010-07-28, 01:14:43

I think developing a daily journal to bring with you to therapy is a wonderful idea. Some times, when we get overwhelmed we forget the things we really want to state. You have to remember you cannot be responsible for your mother's actions and behaviors and you must not let them take you down. Your mother sounds miserable and sometimes misery loves company. Maybe your mother sees you as a strong person and maybe a bit envious? Or maybe your mother is suffering from depression and needs help on her own first. They are many anti-depressants on the market that will do wonders for her and stabilize her actions and behaviors. When you go to therapy just tell your story to the best of your ability. Your counselor will assist you in problem solving your issues of guilt and remorse and then let it go to carry on with your life. Congrats for deciding therapy. I think it will really help you to understand your mother better.